Progress is Non-Linear
When I first shared my fitness journey, I was confident I’d make remarkable progress in about three months. I started strong and had no regrets. But I was quickly humbled by the reality that progress is unpredictable, inconsistent, and often nothing like how you imagined it.
As someone who used to measure productivity by how much I accomplished in a day, I came to understand that sometimes, being productive means simply allowing yourself to be still. Physical and mental progress are deeply connected, and your physical willingness won’t be as effective if you’re mentally disconnected to your goals.
I realized how much I relied on my daily routine—so when my flow was disrupted, that really threw me off.
In trying to manage all that comes with being a working mom, my way of coping is to run on autopilot. Not emotionally, but in order to get my work and chores done, I thrive on repetition. Yep, like a robot. My brain functions best when every day looks the same. I need that structure to stay grounded.
So when a couple of family vacations disrupted that pattern, I didn’t just take a break. I fucking spiraled. I stopped going to the gym for a few weeks, and started staying up late once again with my brain split between half-watching movies and doom-scrolling through my social feeds. My guilt was eating me up. It feels wrong to not be doing anything meaningful, or to simply give up on one thing I kept preaching about just a few months ago. So with a renewed faith and more intentional morning prayers, I gave it another go.
Progress really is non-linear, but with every setback, I keep discovering something new about myself.
The outdoors trigger my anxiety
I’m still trying to make sense of it, but I’ve noticed that my migraine episodes and exhaustion often hit after being out for an extended period—even if I’m not physically tired. Just being around strangers feels overstimulating. The heat, the noise, the crowd—it all becomes too much.
And sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if this is how my son Keos feels living with autism. Maybe the outside world really is too much for him to process at times. The discomfort, the sound of traffic and random people talking, the unfamiliar faces. It makes you either want to beg for silence, or just run home and disappear into the comfort of your own quiet room. The only difference is, Keos, innocent and endlessly curious, still wants to explore what’s beyond the chaos. I, on the other hand, know better. It’s just wave after wave of overstimulation, and honestly, a bit much for someone my age.
Someone my age… Huh, I might as well start referring to myself as ‘middled aged’. I know, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
I love and find peace in solitude
Nah, don’t get me started with “you need to go out more often”, because believe me, I tried. And I realized that the only person I never get tired of being around is my best friend, Jhown. I went out a few times with other friends and it really drained my social battery. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and I do enjoy hanging out with them every once in a while (though it sometimes means once or twice in a few years lol). But sometimes, amid the catching up, you start to feel your energy slowly slipping away, and all you want is to go home and rot in bed.
I also realized that I genuinely enjoy my solitude—even at the gym. I love being mentally in the zone, without feeling the need to make small talks. A smile or a quick nod is enough, I mean, the people I work out with are nice. But I prefer being lost in my thoughts during my routine, or maybe running through a mental to-do list for after my workout.
I used to be outgoing and extroverted when I was younger. I used to love meeting new people, didn’t mind chatting for hours, and making real connections, so I’m not even sure when the shift happened. But somewhere along the way—probably in my early 30s—I guess I just burned through all my social energy, haha. These days, it honestly doesn’t feel the same anymore.
Thankfully, I’ve come to understand that solitude doesn’t always mean sadness. Maybe this mindset comes with being a mom—after a period of overstimulation, I’ve learned to find comfort in being on my own.
Morning prayers give me comfort
Maybe this is something most people don’t know about me—I’m religious, but in my own unconventional way. I remember something my choir mentor (Father Herbie) told me when I was a teenager: there will come a time when you can’t always make it to church, but you can always connect with the Lord in simple, personal ways. You can pray anytime, anywhere. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all these years.
When I learned about Pope Francis’ passing, it really made me sad because he helped me renew my faith during his 2015 visit to the country. This prompted me to pray more, to pray harder, and to speak from the heart with greater intention every morning. It brings me comfort to know that, even when I don’t fully understand what’s happening to me or around me, the Lord always does.
I read this quote somewhere, and it’s a really short yet beautiful form of prayer when you can’t seem to find the right words to say:
“Lord, I don’t understand, but You do.”
Funny enough, I realized that listening to worship songs while working out actually works. My playlist usually includes heavy tracks to get me pumped mentally (rock, metal, you know the drill), but I didn’t expect worship music to have the same effect—just in a different way. It hypes me up spiritually, and honestly, it’s just as powerful.
So here’s the thing
I read an article a couple of months ago about one’s life revolving around a few, familiar things that comfort him, and nothing more. It’s actually a humorous, self-deprecative piece about the small, repetitive joys of a life that doesn’t need to impress anyone; of finding peace in the modesty of things. That is literally my life.
Progress is non-linear—but through all the detours, pauses, and restarts, I’ve come to learn more about myself than I ever expected. I’ve realized that progress is accepting the setbacks, slowing down and understanding who you are beneath all the striving. Growth doesn’t always look like action. Sometimes, it looks like stillness, like quietly accepting that you’re back to square one but always choosing to show up for yourself. And yes, even if that means doing less.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s the kind of progress that matters most.
xoxo,
Nicey
Taking my sweet time:
- I’m Thrilled to Announce That Nothing is Going on With Me. “Personally, my life revolves around the half-dozen things that comfort me, and nothing more. I think I’m just wired that way.” Yep, my life in a nutshell.
- I’ve binge-watched The Maze Runner film series (I don’t remember finishing the third one in the past) and Dylan O’Brien really grew on me.
- I’ve revisited How to Get Away with Murder and InuYasha, too, but my head is all over the place. I keep on jumping from one anime/series to another. I didn’t get to finish either of them.
- I’ve been listening a lot to Cup of Joe. I seldom listen to local artists but their single Multo (their live performance) really sealed the deal. Gian Bernardo also looks so much like my youngest brother.
- Two of my favorite worship songs that I also used to sing during my choir days were Humayo’t Ihayag and I Will Sing Forever.