Life in Progress: On Grief, Accountability and Moving On
My 2025 kicked off in a blur of grief and disbelief. We lost a beloved family member a few days before Christmas and I never really felt like myself since then. It’s still too soon to open up about everything but I’ve been working hard to stay positive as I try to move forward. Life would sometimes sneak up on you to test your resilience and for a while, it was difficult to hold onto my faith; to believe that better days will come. Grief has a way of twisting your emotions until you feel like a stranger in your own body.
But here I am, showing up. Not perfectly, but showing up nonetheless. I took the time I needed (though wasn’t nearly enough) to grieve and reflect, and as time ticks on, I’ve realized that I can’t let this sadness consume me. I need to take care of my overall well-being, even if it means starting small.
So, this is me choosing to find the light. I’m determined to see the brighter side of things and I want to share my attempt at starting anew because sometimes, finding that little courage in your heart makes all the difference.
Reclaiming My Mind and Body
In my previous blog, I’ve shared about the home renovation project we’re working on and also mentioned that I decided to take a month-long leave to oversee its process. Well, what was supposed to be a short break has now turned into an indefinite leave. And honestly, who am I kidding? I’ve never had this much time off, so I’m trying to enjoy every minute of it.
And now that I’m not stressing over my reports and deadlines, what do I enjoy most? Sleep. It’s truly life-changing.
I was stuck between work and mommy duties for God knows how long. Don’t get me wrong, I love both aspects of my life. I upskilled so hard in the past couple of years and it strengthened my financial freedom significantly, but I just needed my goddamn sleep. I was so determined to change my lifestyle that there would be no compensation big enough to change my mind. I’m not getting any younger and my work has always been sedentary—probably the only downside of working from home all these years.
Fixing my sedentary lifestyle
Since the pandemic, my anxiety has skyrocketed so often that it started to manifest physically. It’s about time that I invested in things that really matter, like my physical, mental and emotional health. I’m rediscovering what it means to nourish my mind and body—starting with adequate sleep, until I am able to work my way up to a more intentional, active lifestyle.
Speaking of an active lifestyle, I’ve never really worked out, except maybe for a couple of phases when I jogged with my family every morning and the time I did Muay Thai training with a friend. But those were short-lived, so I was inclined to create a simple workout routine that I can do at home. I originally planned to set up a small workout corner in my office and purchased a walking pad. However, the product was defective upon delivery and the entire refund process took 5 weeks. It was excruciating. And before losing my momentum, I decided to sign up for an annual gym membership instead.
On making myself accountable
The goal is to align my physical activities with the amount of sedentary work I do on the daily. But first, I want my body to crave enough sleep, especially because working without [enough] sleep has been my default for so long. I was heavily dependent on caffeine and sugar, and I knew it’s time for a change.
Thankfully, the gym opens at 6am and is just a few minutes from home, so I get to go between 6:30 and 7:00 in the morning, after the kids leave for school. I started my first week doing cardio, covering at least 4km by alternating brisk walking and jogging, and have recently added a couple of core routines.
So, why am I writing this? I want to make myself accountable for the commitment I made. I want to reclaim my mental and physical health by living intentionally, and document my highs and lows in order to track my progress. These are all part of my greater healing. Before my aunt passed, she had always encouraged me to not work too much and to try to get more sleep. I’m honoring her by finally taking care of myself, and right now, this is the only way I know how.
Some people may not understand how I’m handling grief. I shut down emotionally; I lose my patience at the slightest inconvenience and despise people for simply doing a friendly wellness check on me. I don’t need to explain how I choose to deal with grief, and other people’s opinions don’t define my healing process. But it was also insensitive of me to push people away, especially when they only meant to console me. Truth be told, I needed an outlet to divert all the negative thoughts in my head. And right now, the only thing that prevents me from entertaining all my what ifs is hitting the gym.
Reclaiming My Inner Peace
It’s tricky, trying to regain control of your life amid the grief. You are just too drained and vulnerable to protect your emotions. So as I step into this new year, one of my most important commitments is to reclaim my peace—especially by cutting off anything or anyone that brings unnecessary negativity into my life.
I’m choosing to be more vigilant about the energy I allow into my personal space and with that said, I’m also learning how to better recognize the patterns early on. Not every relationship or interaction is worth holding onto, especially when they suck the life and joy out of you. I know this requires constant reinforcement but we ultimately have to impose boundaries to make room for the people and experiences that would truly nurture our soul.
True peace comes from within, and I’m actively observing who consistently disrupt that peace. When you disassociate yourself from toxic influences, you let go of anything that doesn’t align with your growth or values. And by doing so, you get to create space for healthier, more supportive relationships and, most importantly, for yourself.
Grief is a process, and I’m moving forward no matter what
It may be a tough start, but I’ve learned so much already. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m definitely moving in the right direction—slowly and gracefully. And yes, amid the grief, the pain, and the fact that I miss my aunt so much but there is nothing I can do about it.
It’s been a lot of small, sometimes messy steps, but each one feels like progress. I’m learning to roll with the punches, to take things one day at a time, and to stay open to what’s ahead. So, while I’m not sure exactly what the future holds, I know I’m stronger and more prepared than I’ve ever been.